Emotions are a particular area that I struggle with on a daily basis. I am extra sensitive to emotions, and on top of that, I have trouble understanding, or figuring out why I am feeling the way I am feeling. In addition to being autistic, I have bipolar as well. I shift rapidly between motions on a general basis.
Movies in general are a rollercoaster ride for me. I end up crying at the first intonation that a scene is going to be emotional. I get to the point of crying hard. I literally get overwhelmed with emotions. I feel like there are different types of stimulation overload. what I seem to experience is overloads dealing with emotions and also sensory overload too. I have cried to movies that have a happy endings but are probably not cry worthy.
Good emotions or bad emotions, it doesn’t matter what kind I is. I get overloaded. Everyday is a rollercoaster ride.
There are days where I will completely shut down because of my emotions. I just don’t feel like going anywhere at all. Those days are some of the hardest.
I have a personfriend (here I define person friend like boyfriend or girlfriend, but the person is nonbinary, I would get into why I don’t use significant other or partner, but that’s a whole different story) that I absolutely adore and love to death. Each time I am with them I feel worn out. When it is good, which is a large majority of the time, I feel the wearing out is worth it. I get to feel emotions to such a degree that makes it worth it. When things don’t go well, which has been very rare, it hurts so bad.
My personfriend was on the verge of their grandmother dying. The day before she passed, my personfriend cried so hard I felt my heart break several times. It really hurt to hear them crying like that (I have reason to believe they are autistic as well, but she has not been diagnosed yet). Our ride is an interesting one.
In the earlier story I mentioned in my misunderstandings post when I had walked out of the university bookstore twice with books I hadn’t paid for, I felt so bad. I felt so low, almost the lowest of lows. I had never done anything like that. I understand that it was only a misunderstanding, but it didn’t stop me from feeling the way I did.
I’ve gotten better from the past. There are still days though where my emotions scare me.
I’ll leave you with a short piece I wrote back when things were really bad that in general describes my day.
Top of Everest, bottomless pit, this is how I live.