Where does my story of life with Asperger’s begin?
Let’s start with the fact that I was not caught as having Asperger’s until the year before I began my time at the University that I now go to. I had an event that happened to me my senior year of high school that lead me to a psychologist. From my experiences with him, he began to build the idea that I had Asperger’s.
Something that is really hard for me is identifying and expressing my own emotions. Often I get asked, “How are you feeling?”
“I don’t know.” I would say.
When I say that I say that for two different reasons. The first would be that I actually don’t know how I am feeling. Its not like I know I am happy, or sad, and I don’t know how to explain that. I actually do not know what I am feeling.
The other reason goes along with the first. I know how I am feeling, but I don’t know how to express it. I can say, “I’m happy.” or “I’m sad.” When someone asks me why, I say, “I don’t know.” I can’t figure out in that moment what is making me feel that way. Something I often say is, “I’m anxious,” or “I’m upset,” “But I don’t know why. When the person pries deeper for an answer, I usually can not provide it. With the exception of 1 person.
I am lucky enough to have someone that I can call my own. They really push me in terms of trying to explain how I feel. I feel comfortable enough around this person that I can actually sit down, and try and think about why I feel the way I do. Even when I am with them I still struggle with the first of these problems. The “I don’t know how I’m feeling.” moments.
“I don’t know” or “I’m not sure,” tend to be my favorite phrases if you talk to me. and “Yea,” especially yea.
I grew up learning two different languages, both Italian and English. My parents tell me when I was young I use to know what money I needed to use to go to various places. If I was on the military base, I knew I needed American money. If we went to some local Italian place, I knew we needed Italian money.
Abruptly leaving from Italy and ceasing to speak Italian threw me for a loop. I had a speech delay and in third grade I had a step plan for a speech therapist.
My ideas about things were often erratically, nonsensically explained. I’m surprised people understand me on a daily basis.
There are often miscommunications between me and the person I am talking to.
This was a little bit about my diagnosis and in further posts I will talk about some struggles of being a student with Asperger’s